Pastor Ted

Holy. Shit.

I know many evangelicals across the country are feeling the hurt from this male prostitute scandal, but imagine what it's like here. It's literally hitting home for so many Christians I know, because this the guy they go to see at New Life every Sunday, amidst the laser light show and motorcycle stunts and whatever the hell else they're doing in there.

But today New Life's had enough -- they let Ted go. And this spectacle of hypocrisy has yet to play itself out to the last lewd detail. I think this investigation, which has apparently been going on for months, has a long way to go, but here's what we know so far.

Pastor Ted lied about never having met the prostitute, Mike Jones ("MIKE JONES!" ... sorry). It's also proven that Ted Haggard purchased meth, so naturally he now... admits to purchasing meth. And getting a good rub down.

And let me tell you, if you're gonna go to Denver and get a massage from anyone, the locals customarily suggest that you scan the gay magazines and pick yourself out a handsome advertised escort like Mr. Mike Jones. Ted knows that those are the massage therapists of choice, and a leader of an evangelical megachurch especially should not bother with the mediocrity of, say, a certified female masseuse. Pastor Ted did what anyone would do, plain and simple.

As for the drugs, he claims he never took them. Which smacks of the time Clinton had marijuana right there in front of him, yet he "did not inhale." See, these men edge toward the cliff of temptation, only to backflip away at the moment of truth, and really, that's what makes them better than us. But then hearken back to Ted's message to Mr. Jones:

“Hey, I was just calling to see if we could get any more. Either $100 or $200 supply.”

"More"? That's right, Pastor Ted must have thrown away the previous supply, which simply wasn't empowering enough. The man just needed to do it again.

But what are we talking about here? It's meth! A drug that lacks the glamour of heroin, the cool-factor of cocaine, and the innocence of oxycontin! Any of these would be easier to shrug off publicly, but the juiciest thing is that Pastor Ted was perhaps getting his fix off something that ranks just one notch above spray paint in a paper bag.

Many of Ted's followers are committedly standing by him through this investigation, which is simultaneously inspiring and disturbing. On one hand, it's nice to see that certain evangelicals are maybe practicing what they preach in terms of forgiveness. Some New Lifers are even considering the scandal to be a test of faith in their charismatic leader. Still, it remains to be seen how much nasty business will come to light, and therefore how demanding a "test" this will be for them.

I'm really shooting from the hip as I write all this, but one last thought for now:

Last Sunday, with a little more than a week until Election Day, Ted prayed that "all lies would be exposed." In light of recent events, I really should have had more faith in his ability to draw a swift, accurate response from God.