"Why the Hell Aren't You On MySpace?"

Ever get that question?

This, of course, is assuming you've resisted the temptation to join that regime. In that case I'll bet some of these friends have probably threatened to sit you down at gunpoint as you tearfully create a profile against your will.

Yet, when you tell another group of people that you're not on MySpace, they tend to congratulate you. And these are often -- interestingly enough -- MySpacers as well.

These are the ones who are really ashamed, aren't they? When you tell them you found their page? It's like you caught them shopping at Walmart. They project that same kind of helplessness from their eyes that says, "I'm just a victim of the system."

Most of what I know about MySpace comes directly from these folks, and from observing the more hardcore users.

I gather that MySpace is The Blob -- except that once consumed in its bubbling mass, you don't digest away into a lifeless disassembly of bones (literally, I mean). Instead, you perpetually relive the last day of high school. Among other activities, this is where you try to amass as many yearbook signatures as possible, but in this case they are called "Friends".

Once established, the Friend, in most cases, will never contact you again. If and when it does happen, however, 80% of his/her comments run the literary gamut of "dude/girl, wtf! we should hang out!" or "hey i miss you" or the more intimately expressive "i fuckin miss you." Within two and six months later your Friend contacts you again to repeat the above, so on, so forth, and that's how college students all over the world can stay in touch using the World Wide Web.

"MySpace is different for each age group," said my 40-year-old uncle. He's actually made teriffic use of his profile, as it's helping him to rise from the ashes of his divorce. His profile declares that he's there for dating... and "friends" and "networking" (it really helps the dating aspect if you mention at least two other reasons for being there). But my uncle has been getting all kinds of warm responses from (hot) women his age because he's using the perfect datebait to lure them: photos of himself with his two adorable daughters. The man is in it to win it.

Now, I can't say that I looked at my uncle's online dating success without a tinge of envy. Granted, my friends have picked up some real CREATURES from that site, but I keep thinking I could do so much better than they. For one, I've developed internal alarms that warn me about clingy-emo-nympho-cutters, and besides, can't I just look at their blogs to verify those suspicions?

Which gets me thinking about the blogging aspect. And the increased MySpace traffic.

If you blog, too, it's because you want to be read, right? And unless your stuff's particularly private, don't you always wish you were read by more people than you already are?

I know this sounds like bullshit, but I like the writing more than anything else.

But I figure why not just do the same with a more accessible MySpace profile? Yeah! And add a custom wallpaper and all sorts of "Me" crap everywhere (that won't destroy people's eyes). And have them listen to a little song while they read my stuff, maybe, like "Shadow Stabbing" by Cake. Oh, I'll be damned if they don't like that.

I'm fondly envisioning all of this, and it is scaring me.

So I talk to my "ashamed" friends about it, tell them I'm on the brink of turning. Then they warn me about the all-consuming nature of MySpace, its dating hazards, its impersonality, and the fact that it's MySpace, for God's sake. This makes it all go away, and I let out a liberated sigh as I go about my business.

The bottom line is there are always going to be people who feel they're just too punk-rock for MySpace. Never mind the fact that a lot of MySpace profiles belong to... actual punk-rockers.