There Can Only Be One

The congressional incumbancy rate being 98-99%, I'm surprised aspiring congressmen haven't attempted more Macbeth-style assassinations. Instead they seem to prefer waiting. For Colorado's 5th Congressional District, though, the wait is finally up.

When 20-year-term Rep. Joel Hefley (R - Pangaea) was showing signs of wearying, a line was forming in my district for those who wanted to beat his high score. Before ballots were cast, six Republicans were vying to represent the Centennial State in congress for a term that will likely turn out to be centennial, as well:

John Anderson -- Former Colorado Springs Sheriff (who's gonna blast them terrorist varmints)

Duncan Bremer -- El Paso County Commissioner

Jeff Crank -- Hefley's Chief of Staff

Doug Lamborn -- State Senator/"Tax Crusader"

Bentley Rayburn -- The "I'm Not A Politician, I'm a Military Guy" Guy

Lionel Rivera -- He's the Colorado Springs Mayor (said Springs residents: "You know, I heard about that!")

Now, I hear tell that in parts of the U.S. they have congressional races with the Conservative vs. the Liberal. In Colorado, it is more commonly the Conservative vs. the True Conservative. A Colorado Republican primary is necessary to weed out the five posers among the candidates, so normally campaign ads around here consist of the competitors playing "Out the Liberal":

"Sure, Bill Williamson says he supports upper-bracket tax cuts and funneling all remaining state education funding toward military defense, but did you know that he DOESN'T want the Ten Commandments tatooed into the groin of every registered newborn child? Clearly he is not interested in your values, Colorado. Vote for values -- vote for Bob Robertson."

This year the ads were pretty tame, threatening to make the 6-man battle royal uninteresting even by election standards. The Reagan-inspired cease-fire on attack ads (between Jeff Crank and Duncan Bremer) was just a wet blanket, if you ask me.

But then came the day that the absentee ballots were to be mailed in, and in an assuredly unrelated stroke, mud-slingin' was on. Lionel Rivera and Jeff Crank, being targeted by groups tied to Doug Lamborn, were accused of being "pro-gay radicals" and potential tax hikers (said people who know Jeff Crank: "Daaaah ha ha HA!"). For either allegation to stick would cost them the race, so Rivera took a nap and Crank riposted by calling Lamborn anti-military. As they say: "SNAP!"

Mr. Crank's counters were less widely publicized, preserving his Good Guy image with voters while Lamborn's own supporters began deserting him. Then came election night, and Crank was ahead in every county, dooming Lamborn's bid for greatness. But not unlike Gandalf the White in The Two Towers, the absentee voters returned in the end to drive Lamborn to glorious victory.

Now it is over, and by the dawning light the people of Central Colorado have championed their True Conservative, who this November will face Democratic candidate Jeff Fawcett. In lieu of an election, Colorado tradition decrees, the True Conservative may meet the liberal in a town square and behead him. This year's liberal, however, will be heavily moneyed by the currently overflowing campaign coffers of the Democratic Party, which they may use to buy Mr. Fawcett a very nice suit. Must he perish, quoth they, he shall be perish in style.